My Days are Counted

Not only my days here in UTP are counted, my days on His heavenly Earth are also counted. I have limited time to live, and the longer I live, the closer I am to death.

Only a few days ago, two of UTP students passed away. One had a cardiac arrest while playing football, and the other was caught in an accident. Two very normal daily activities that we do on a routine basis, reminding us that death could come to us any time possible.

That Friday, there was some tahlil for those two blessed souls. I pondered, if I died, I would surely want everyone to come for my tahlil, regardless whether they know me or not. As long as they are fellow Muslims, their prayers will surely help me ease the burden in my grave. I wanted to go to the tahlil. I must go to mosque this maghrib, I said to myself.

That evening, I slept. Then I woke up, it was already dark. I performed my maghrib prayers just as I would do on any normal day. Then only, entering isya', I realize what I've missed. I did not go to the mosque for maghrib prayers and the subsequent tahlil. I wondered, if I am the one who died, what would I feel if ignorant (or careless) fellow Muslims would never care to say their prayers for me? I hope that people would pray for me, but at the same time I never really do it for other people.

One day I will die, and I will need people's prayers more than ever. I wished I am prepared for death, but truthfully speaking, I am not ready yet. If I were to die at this very moment, I don't think I will have a very comfortable life after death.

I always ask to myself, how would I want to die? And one of the best possible way to die that I can think of is while performing my solah. Better, during sujud. That would be one of the best deaths that I could think of. Then I started thinking a little further than that. How could I possibly die during my sujud? Maybe heart attack, but if I am stricken with such illness, it would be more probable for me to lie in bed rather than praying. Or maybe I could be praying inside a mosque during a war, and I could die from a rocket launcher or some stray bullet, or even a headshot because I refuse to obey his orders to stop praying.

Then I asked myself, would I be that brave, to ignore such threat? If someone points a gun to my head and ask me to stop praying, would I obey him, or would I continue praying? I wish to die while praying, but after reviewing the possible ways of dying, I don't think I even have the guts to die that way. And from a different perspective, I pray only around 20 to 25 minutes out of 24 hours, which is around 1.7% of my time. That is roughly the random chance of me dying while praying. Of course, probability is not that simple. The probability of me dying in a car accident is surely higher than while praying.

So I don't know how I will end. And more importantly, I don't know when. If I know when I'll die, I'll tidy up my room so that everyone will know that I'm a tidy person, I would have my prayers at the mosque all the time and recite Quran and understand the translation, I would make friends with everyone and repay all my owings and their deeds and apologize for all my wrongdoings, I would teach people valuable lessons and I would spend my money on charitable causes, and I would prepare my physical self so that when I die my body would look clean and cheerful. But unfortunately, I don't know when I'll die. In fact, nobody does.

So we live like we will never die. I hope that I can appreciate life better. And I hope I can give my prayers to the dead, so that when I'm dead, people would do the same to me.